i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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