We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
