He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize