he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
