hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
where am i from again
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
