im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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