I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
