Got a toothbrush?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Randomize
