if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
