i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
