I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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