He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
