Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
