Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
