I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
