My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
