I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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