i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
