Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
