Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
