his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
