i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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