my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
This house was built for laser tag.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
