Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
