I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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