thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize