Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
