if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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