porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
