I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
