you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
sex in a hospital.. check
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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