I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
