btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Mom said you looked used
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
