I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
