I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize