sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize