I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
