Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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