he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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