I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize