There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
