I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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