She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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