Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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