the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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