I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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