I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
