woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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