I think my fart just growled at me.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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