She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
