someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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