You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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