tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize