Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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