Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
