I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
