Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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