today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
