I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize