Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Randomize