I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
