Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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