I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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