Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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