I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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